Thursday, November 24, 2016

Breast is breast

After every challenge breastfeeding, the on call nurse, who was consulting about baby constipation, because my body and baby never quite got the breastfeeding thing off the ground, so he's like 2% breast fed, and 98% formula fed... she told me to give it up.

She said I did good trying, that he got some, but stress I'm having from trying to get my boobs to work and my baby to take them isn't worth it.

She told me to take deep breath and that she gives me permission to formula feed him. And that he'll grow up healthy and strong and just fine.

So I'm wrapping my head around the option to give up. It's just another thing on the list of things that didn't go right this pregnancy, and I'm trying to be ok with all of them. 

PTSD, or current traumatic stress disorder... 

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Now I feel it, now I don't

Complain about always feeling something: mild cramp type thing, round ligament thing, feeling full, sore boobs!

As soon as a feeling goes away: AM I STILL PREGNANT?!?!?

*I heard that when there is a misscarrage, the pregnant hormones disappear and many of the feelings go away very quickly. So basically I love that my nipples hurt! And if I don't notice any other feelings, I seek them:  I drink a big glass of cold water, I sit down/ stop moving (to better feel the babe move), I'll stretch lightly (activate the round ligaments), etc.

It's so weird. Give me all the feelings!! As long as I can still sleep.

(Cat belly naps!!)

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Belly Up!

I'm starting to feel my belly touch the desk at work and remembering to scoot back a couple inches. At workout, I have to bend over different! Straddle the belly!! You can't even see it yet, but I feel it.

Letting go of "sucking it in" is weird! For my low back's DJD, I often suck my gut in, to keep the spine from over curving (PT prescribed), and it's a lot of work! I realize I'm doing it and stop, letting the guy suck in muscles go- belly out. It feels so good. That's when I am in love with my maternity pants!

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Down with pants

I have on the loosest baggy, flared leg jeans I own... And yet it feels like my pants are strangling me. STRANGLING ME!!! 

I need a pickle.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Things I can't talk about-

until I can tell people I'm pregnant.

Drool is serious. Not sure if it's side effect of being nauseous or hormones, but I drool now. Like on my phone screen when I'm checking Facebook. 

I sing in the car, and I start each verse swallowing the drool in my mouth so I don't choke.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Week 6

The core of my people know I'm preggers. I've been trying, so it feels weird to not update... But being so early, it's standard to not share until past the scary 1st trimester.

Basically I can't complain!! Ha!

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Fertility issues.

Trying to get pregnant, as in not currently pregnant but want to be more than anything:: Someone says to me, "You look pregnant."


Tuesday, May 19, 2015

I'm right.

I'm right. The dr was wrong about the first thing we butted heads on, and I was tested. :-/

Tuesday, May 13, 2014


I mean phases. But I really mean doing and trying things!

Health issues have slowed mountain summiting plans, so that is still being trained for, but until my back is less painful and "rumbley" I will train with light packs.

Another phase or change has been Apple Cider Vinegar. I'm drinking it mostly daily and trying other healthy hippie ideas. Refrigerator oats. Arugula! 

And I'm going to buy a house! I'm going to move and be a commuter suburb dweller and start a new kind of adult life phase. No more studio apartment- I'll be a gardener! (I just started the process so it'll be a while, but I'm in it for the long haul. (30 year loans! Crazy!))

(I don't have any photos of the things I talked about- here's kind of where I live seen from the airplane)

Friday, February 21, 2014


Some days I feel awesome. Strong. Alluring. And then I take a picture and wonder if the rolls look like a bug to anyone else...
head, abdomen, thorax, big butt...

All the rolls don't look strong. Well. Maybe they should. It's not an exoskeleton, but it's been an armor for a while, and even though it bruises easily, it has made me stronger than you think!

Monday, January 20, 2014

Is this normal?

Sometimes I am so sure of things. Sure of my feelings or intentions. Sure of what's going to happen. Sure that someone will help me. Or sure that they will let me down.

But when things are upset, when I have no idea what's next, it's scary! Is everyone so sure of things? Or are they usually in this scary unknown? It freaks me out.  It effects things!

This weeks probable things: zits, sleep, decision making, dreams (when I can sleep), concentration, connecting with people (being self-involved), etc.

*cue my pity party

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Is there an "ideal"?

Meanwhile for inspirational quotes my phone screen saver is Bruce Lee "If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you'll never get it done. Make at least one definitive move daily toward your goal."
(I was in my warm bed napping last night and got up and left to go to the gym.  It was hard.)

The hardest part about setting fitness goals is that I like myself and I'm "OK if I don't change" (Except then I'll never make it up Mt Rainier- so that's what I'm working on!)  But even yesterday, "What is your ideal weight/size?"  I was like, uh.... "Is there an "ideal"?  I want to be strong and fit enough to enjoy climbing a mountain."  The guy looked at me blankly, apparently people who work at gyms think you aren't supposed to be ok with yourself.  Or maybe climbing a mountain is supposed to be horrible?

Post stair climber intervals:  sweaty and tired and "I DID IT!!"

I was visiting a new gym, my 24 Hour Fitness membership expires in 3 weeks.  It's been a great gym for my needs, but I'm looking forward to trying new stuff, and scared to not have a 24 hour option available to me or available when I travel...

 It's a little scary- like not having insurance!

Thursday, November 21, 2013

All the contridictions.

I'm trying to talk myself into walking to the gym after work.

I don't want to because it is so cold (and icky) outside for my sweaty walk home.

But I have to go to the gym, so I'll probably drive.

So that in the future I can climb up a very cold mountain.

Maybe tomorrow...

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

What the What

It's been 13 months since I posted here and it's like nothing has changed!

Another day another diet.

I've really enjoyed food the past 3 years and where I'm comfortable eating/ not exercising keeps me around 220.  But I recently decided I REALLY wanted to summit Mount Rainier.

I laid awake in bed thinking about it.  Planning things like:  if I "Biggest Loser" -it for a few months (not the consumer diet plan, just eat healthy and exercise as much as I possibly can), and can lose like 20-30 (more?!) pounds while getting a base of "in-shape".  Then go see a trainer to push me into really good shape.  And buy Groupon boot camps and pole dancing and all the crazy stuff to get a variety of work-out while seeing a trainer... I should be in really good shape by next summer.  Good enough to summit?!  This is what I lay in bed thinking about.

Photos by sister:

I talked to the guide I want to use.  He's who both sister's have used.  He said, "You have to be in the best shape of your life."

So that's my goal.

I started a diet yesterday.  again.  I haven't worked out yet.  (But that's for health issues reasons: another cyst in the area where my legs meet/swimsuit covers.)  I hate being on a diet.  Yes, it is a diet and not a lifestyle change, because after I'm done with all the big goals, I can't guarantee I'll have changed my food wants.  But maybe...

(Summer 2012)

Monday, September 17, 2012

DIET: take 17

I started a diet again.  A real one.  I just started.  Well, a week ago...

A week ago I was on my way to work and scarfed these fried bread things and and by the time I got to work I was so "..ehhhbleehhhhh..."  I decided right then I was going to start a diet.  Like NOW.

See... I had been putting it off (and off and off) because I have EPIC!! food adventures lined up!!
The Puyallup FAIR- ALL the FAIR food!!
The Herbfarm- Super Fancy NW based themed 9 course meal
Geek Girls Secret Potluck- just some crazy friends hanging out WITH FOOD!

But I was SOOO "..ehhhbleehhhhh..."  I had to start NOW, figuring Fridays can be my "cheat" day.

Cheat Day 1:  (pre shenanigan) Alcohol (the night before the fair), Fair Food (scones, a cookie, ribs, turkey leg, lemonade, chocolate covered bacon), and one 1/2 cup of real ice cream.

Post Cheat Day 1:  Serious withdrawal. 

I would have done anything for ANY. THING. with some SUGAR.

I did eat all the vegetables in my house. (including but not limited to: broccoli, brussels sprouts, lettuce, spinach, tomatoes, green onions, artichoke hearts)

Post Week 1:  I miss food.  I hate doing dishes.  I feel good- like in my bones- good.

A skinnier-person-than-I once said, "If I'm not hungry enough to eat an apple, I'm not hungry."